Happy New Year 2010

Jan 1, 2010 falls on a Friday. So it was a long weekend. On the eve, I went home to be with the family at Desa Park City to spend time and countdown to 2010. We met Sheau May's family. En and Hui played with May's children until it is time for the count. Spectacular fireworks display, I like it a lot although it was quite tiring for me to last until midnight and then have to endure the jam when all the revellers start their car and head home at the same time.

Friday, Jan 1, we spent the time at home. Doing our weekly and monthly house chores. Spend the whole afternoon running this and that. I fried some rice for the family for lunch, continuing with our housework with the kids running about as usual. At night, I went with EnHui to YuLing's house for EuEan birthday celebration. I think En had a great time. Hui slept the 1st half and woke up. I thought I handled it very well. While Shannon when to spend some time with friends.

Saturday, Jan 2, More house chores. The air-con service man turned up to service the ac. While we continue our house chores. Ironing. Anyway, it was quite tiring. Time passes. And then the kids went to bed early, right before that, I did art and craft with En. She was visibly tired.

Sunday, we cooked some pasta at night, and En continue on her 2nd story writing on my pc this time and send it out. I also spend time in doing some experiment with EnHui on the flammability of kerosene. Also, explained some science phenomenon to En in her science book. Sunday morning, I spent time with En buying paint, castor wheel and some food stuff. I paint the metal wire bathroom racks which were rusty. Fix the pullout bed wheel, fix the lever on the toy chest and do some sewing. Next week, I will try to buy a paint brush and finish the 2nd part of the paint maintenance job.

Next week, we will try to fix Shannon's pc, which will be given to En for use and buy another pc for Shannon. I think En is starting to use the pc slowly, and learning how to type words. Is the 2nd time she uses it. I think she is getting on and again, I have to be careful and not be overly enthusiastic and over-teach and make her lose interest. She is great I think. Have a very good mind, there are a few occasion of me noticing her good mind at work. She is 6 this year. She is able to solve problem. E.g. she said if all the keys on the pc are faded off, then people will have to remember the position of all the keys in order to use. If not, one will have to look at a existing pc in order to know the location of each characters when one wants to use the pc with faded keys. I thought is a good problem solving then again, i maybe bias or too lenient. Or is it most kids know this.

I have been very productive this week. Which led me to feel better about myself. At the same, with my time spent with En, I feel that I have to spend even more time with them. I think the children want to play together with me. To do this, I need to go home from work early and I must adjust my time in going to work to normal time at 8.00am.

I have been able to replicate good productivity (on weekends) more often now. And I am able to be patient with the family more often as well. I think I can do better. I will try to do better. With that the children and Shannon will also do better.

En and Hui

L-R: En and Hui

I have often wondered if other fathers out there feel like I feel with regards to their daughters. I would like to think that we all think and feel the same way towards our daughters because they are such beautiful creatures. Ever seen a 5 year old girl, the most important thing for her is to see the sun-rise? Because her mom told her that when the sun has set and it is still dark, it means sleeping time, no one will wake up to play. The second the sun ray broke into the room by passing in between the cracks of the curtains, she will throw out the duvet and bounce up, climb down from her top bunk and go right into her play corner in the living room or her study room to see which book interests her on that morning or which craft to build today. Never mind going to the toilet, brushing teeth or freshening up, those can wait. She is too busy for all those trivial things.

Ever notice how she walk lately? Is she dragging her feet, or is she skipping along, can you see the bounce in her strides, how high is her ankle when the leg is behind her when she walks (touch her bottom?), run? I did. And En is forever bouncing along. Made me think, hope she is not on drugs. Her energy is just immense, very positive about things.

Hui is about the same but I think she is going through a period where their emotions are getting the better of her. But she will have to go through this period and Shannon and my support are so crucial for her now. We have to thread over this period carefully. Other than that, Hui is happy and carefree.

I love them a lot, simply adorable.

My family and How I feel

Zhang Hui - 2

Zhang En - 5

L-R: Hui, Shannon, En

I have 2 daughters, Zhang En and Zhang Hui, and a wife, Shannon. En is 5 and Hui is 2. Shannon's age I can;t tell you. They are all great to be with. Infact, we went to Singapore for a 3 day trip. I drove down south on Dec 24 and spend a few days there and drove back home on the night of Dec 26. Hui had fever the whole trip, and actually had to pop some kid's panadol to keep it under control. She is okay now, thank goodness.

In January, Shannon has planned a trip with the girls, with another family, drive up to Ipoh for a week stay. In March, Shannon, the girls, and me, has planned a 4 day trip to Langkawi. Possibly, in May, we will plan a trip to Melaka, is high time that we get there. And maybe to Gua Tempurung and Lata Kijang.

I might add, I love all these trips with the family. I love it because those are the only time where I am with the family and on every trip I felt that I am much closer to them and they to me. Is always fun, is always great experience. Either for the girls, for Shannon or for me.

It is so much more enjoyable with the family now because I have stop smoking. 4 months already. So much calmer, so much more freedom now without having to sneak out to have a puff to satisfy the urge of nicotine. I feel much more closer to the girls now and to Shannon. At least now, I do not need to lie to them and smoke behind their back. I can come clean now and it is a good baggage to part.

I never thought that En, Hui and Shannon, can bring so much happiness to me. But indeed they have. EnHui (I abbreviated it to mean En and Hui) gave me all the nice experiences, like relaxing and feeling contented by watching them cycling about. When we are in the pool, I felt so alive and happy that I am needed to hold them and carry them around in the deep end. Such lovely moments, simple actions, can be so fulfiling to me as a father. They can be so happy, laughing and shouting freely, just because I spent time with them and genuinely playing with them. Participating in their activities together.

Shannon is a homemaker, a teacher and a facilitator to EnHui. Hui is not of school-going age yet. En has skipped, what normal children do, her 1st year of kindie. Going to skip next year's kindie too. And she is looking to skip her primary schooling too. If there is no unforseen circumstances, EnHui will be home-schooled. They will largely be allow to learn and gather knowledge at their own pace and interest. They will not be following any syllabus or system. They will only be following what they themselves want to do on that day or time. Shannon and myself, thought that it would not be fully unstructured. On the other hand, we are trying to introduce a certain things that we think is important to her, albeit, slowly and carefully as not to pressure her to accept such things unwillingly. The fundamental believe of, if one is force into learning something, she will not go far in it, and it will instead be a chore and may lead to non-interest in learning. We think fundamental maths and language such as Malay, Chinese and Englisth that we must try to instil in them to learn. I hope we can have success over this.

We are successful, at least I deem successful, in a lot of things. En has shown a good command in speaking English. Beginner in speaking Mandarin. And picking up words in BM. Recently, she is able to spell English words. Interested in experiments. Science experiments, always open to how things work. Interested in animals and insects. Like to draw, play with colors. Experiments and experiments. She has a very good and inquisitive mind. Play Lego blocks. Play with dolls. Does a lot of art and craft by herself. Pretty innovative in creating things. She is very brave in attempting new things, which is great, we thought we lost her a few years back. But I notice that she is much courageous now in attempting to do it herself and I have to becareful not to be too eager to help her or warn her. I have to allow her to fail by herself, I must allow her the freedom to try and finally will only extend help when she needs it. Yesterday night, she continue her short story writing (very short story - only one or 2 phrases or sentences) on her pc. And she send it to her friends' mom and Yee Ling (her aunt). So she saw how the file is being save , attached and sent out through email. She have a own email account. She also start to use the pc in watching cd and vcd. I thought it is pretty cool. A very big step forward.

Hui being 2 years old, is at her most cheekiest, and awfully unreasonable period. She will throw a few tantrums a day. But still, nothing can beat her smile. Shannon and myself are very patient with her, I guess we have been through that period with En and know how to handle the situation. And we don;t get work-up so easily. Hui is as smart as En. She also has a very good mind and thanks to Shannon and me getting out of her way in trying things and failing and learning, we found that she is more courageous in experimenting and brave in attempting synonymous with a highly independent child. I believe she will also walk the path of home-schooling or unschooling.

Shannon, she is the best. Strongest. And her endurance is like an olympian marathon runner. I depended on her on a lot of things. I love her with my heart. She is a pillar of strength. There is no denying that she can;t get along with my mom and dad, but is tough. My parents are not easy to get along with, I can see that. But being a son to my parents that brought me up, they are my parents and still I love them. This is my only regret that there will be a constant conflict between Shannon and my parents. But, I can;t complain much, we are all putting special effort in trying to keep peace.

I feel great, as a husband, and a father. So bless, so lucky. I am grateful with what I have. And guess what, I have so much opportunities in front of me, to enjoy even more with the family. I can;t complain.

I will end here today, I have recorded and summarize how I feel. I did not know what title to give, because the writings do not have a theme nor a particular topic. It is really just how I feel at this time. Until next time, when I write again, I hope the world is rid of sorrow.

Quit Smoking - Part 3

Jack Ng - Free and Healing for One Month, One Day and 20 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 2 Days and 5 Hours, by avoiding the use of 640 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $288.51.

There you go, that's the message from my quit smoking counter. 32 days free of cigarrette. I never thought I can go this far,  I am proud of myself at the same time, I am pretty vigilant for those moments where I still crave for a puff or two.

I used to lie to my wife about quitting smoking, already quit smoking and smoking only a few ciggies a day, and all kinds of rubbish. My wife has been believing me, disappointed with me when she finds out that I still smokes, then forgave me after I tell her that I stopped (but in actual fact, I never stop), and then found out again and then forgave me again. Let me tell you, I am a bastard case. But today, i feel proud that I have redeem some of the trust and pride if my wife were to know that I have really quit smoking, going clean for 32 days. I am not sure if she will be able to comprehend the freedom from cigarette, the way I am feeling now. Maybe she will not understand. But anyway, I felt good because I can overcome this urge, this habit, this addiction for 32 days. And I will continue to stay away from it, and I want to have my life back under control. Not under any influence of nicotine.

Is beautiful, I can tell you. I just had 9 days off from the Hari Raya shutdown, and I have spent these 9 days at home, with my wife and daughters, visiting friends, playing, swimming, going to the park, jogging, reading, doing stuff at home, baking, and more...., there isn't a lot of moments where I thought about smoking. That is so great, such a great feeling. A feeling that I am free from this nicotine and I do not need to get a puff when I am tired from doing house work, sneak out and grab a puff. Make excuses that I need to get out of the apartment to take things from my car, to throw out the rubbish, to buy newspaper, to drink coffee, to eat supper, to buy fruits, all these activities I must do it alone, in order to smoke and not let anyone know. These days, I don;t have to do all these. When I go out, I will ask if my kids want to join. Whereas in the past, when I go out, and if my wife ask me to bring the kids along to have a walk, I will feel disappointed that I don;t get to smoke and make all kinds of reason not to bring them. Can you imagine? Darn, now that I wrote this down, I have been a lousy lousy dad and husband. But the 9 days were fun. Were freedom. I am happy and it is different without the urge to smoke.

I really hope people can feel whatever I feel. Is a great feeling. I hope that people who is trying to quit, get to read this and maybe get some inspiration from this.

Quit Smoking - Part 2

Today is the 17th day that my body is free from nicotine. By 11pm tonight, it will be the 18th day that my body is free from nicotine.

Is it significant? You can bet it is, for me, at least.

Do I still long for cigarettes? Yes I do. And in a day, there will be a few cravings.

Do I feel healthier? Do not feel a thing.

What is the difference? Well, to start with I am saving money. And I am eating healthier, because in replacement of the cigarettes, I eat a lot more fruits. I am already a fruit eater even when I was a smoker, now I eat more.

Second, freedom. Yes, freedom, meaning for a lot of times, I am not dependent on smokes to live my life. As I explained in my previous article, in a lot of ways, cigarettes are involved and intertwined with our daily, weekly, monthly, yearly activities. Or maybe even some activities that are out of the blue, like a funeral, or a party, these activities involves smoking. And a lot of those activities, I have learned to attend to them without smokes. And there will be a lot more activities or situation that I will be experiencing for the first time without smokes, so only when I go through these activities for a few more times, will I be totally comfortable and free from the thought of smoking. But surely, I am getting there, despite the cravings on and off.

And third, I think I am calmer. My temperament got better. I do not get irritated or work-up over a certain things. I think because when I was a smoker I feel the need to smoke in order to get through something, and if I am deprive of the smoke, I would suffer from withdrawal effect and thus, easily irritated.

And finally, I feel that I have a better life and able to enjoy whatever I do without having to think about cigarettes at every juncture. I am about to rid myself from having to carry cigarettes and thinking about cigarettes when I am with my family. This is important. These 2 weeks, I am able to enjoy the company of my family without having to sneak out to have a smoke. I am able to immerse myself with them without having a need to break for ciggie. Is a nice situation to be in.

So all good and I need to continue this streak. And stay strong. Is very important for me, too important for me. I am determine to keep my commitment of never to take another puff.

Farewell HL Teoh

Mr. HL Teoh was 36 years old when he passed away on Sept 12, 2009 approximately 6pm. He was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, a disease in which the body's immune response attacks a person's central nervous system (brain and spinal cord). This is according to wikipedia. This illness is listed as one of the 36 critical illnesses that you always hear in an insurance policy but never really read it, nd even if you read it, you hope you never get it. Is a very rare disease according to Teoh when we communicated through skype a few months back. But is a very tough one to have.

He left behind 2 boys in primary school and a wife. He also left behind a great career, he had to quit a few months back to take care of himself. He was diagnosed with this disease at least 2 years back and has been fighting it ever since. I never get to see him. The last I saw him was at least 10 years ago when we were working on the same project. And after that I saw him briefly in HongKong also around that time. And after which we just communicated by phone, email, IM, skype...

I feel sad that I lost a friend and I never got to know you more. So long HL, have a great time wherever you are now.

Shooting the breeze - on Life

Today is a not so bad weather day. A few days back the weather is hazy in KL. But today, at least I can see the cumulus clouds right out form my office window. I can see spots of blue (greyish-blue), color of the sky where it is not covered by clouds. I long for those days where I can see blue skies, white clouds, and sharp skyline of the buildings and sharp outlines of the mountain range that is surrounding this valley. Those days will make my day.

My blogger colleague, Hussein (of steadyaku47), post a photo of Steve Jobs, pretty frail looking, and i saw the photo in the paper today too, after his liver transplant. And the message that hussein wrote, made me stop and ponder again. I have been giving serious thought about the fragility of life many many moons back. And I have been telling my wife to think about it no matter how busy she can be. The phrase - stop and smell the rose - is easier said, for some people, than done. For me, I try, no matter how busy I am, to spare some minutes or seconds looking out the window, thinking about the kids, my wife, my mom and dad, my brothers, my niece and nephews, my uncle and my aunt, my friends, my colleagues, and my achievements (sometimes, not much to speak of anyway).

I have an uncle (we call him "big uncle" because he is the eldest). He has 2 sons. His younger son died a few months back because of heart failure, he was 47. His elder son is in a coma since last week due to an auto accident. He was ran down by a kancil right in front of his house while walking to buy fruits across the street. I hope he will make it through.

I have a friend, a former colleague, 36 this year with 2 kids, diagnose with Multiple Sclerosis, no cure, and right now, made a turn for worse couple of days ago, in coma in a hospital in Johor Bahru. He was transferrd from a Singapore Hospital after a stem cell transplant. But it did not turn out good, and the hospital fee got too steep and he has to be transferred back to JB. Sad eh?

I lost my grandma a few months back. She was 100. Old. I am still in denial mode just a few months back, but nevertheless I have learned to accept it nevertheless it is still sad. I love her very much.

Such is the fragility of life. That's why I don;t want to slug after 45. I want out of the rat race and I will strive to do that. I will and I will need to do that because I am not sure if I will be around after 50, heck I am not sure I will be around tomorrow. So finding the balance is important.

Every morning when I wake up, the kids are there waiting for me to pounce on them and grab them and give them a peck or a bite or a big bear hug and all hell will break loose. My wife will be half awake or half asleep and the little one will still be beside my wife - breastfeeding, with an eye looking at me with a smirk on her little clean face. Ah.....this is life. I want it to last, forever, if possible.